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nostalgia and spider webs

November 10, 2007

I’ve been thinking about nostalgia a lot lately. It happened the other day when I was unpacking stuff in my new home, I started pulling out all of these old pictures. I’ve moved around a lot, so I have groups of friends in lots of different places. And it’s always strange for me to leave and move somewhere else. There’s the usual promising to keep in touch often and always, and then the first few weeks of constant phonecalls and “I miss you’s” and “it’s not the same’s”, and then gradually, you get a new life, and you stop calling every day, and then every week, and then all of a sudden months have gone by. You still love these people, but it’s not the same. They’re not a part of your daily life any more, so you don’t need to call them and say “you’ll never guess what my boss did”. They don’t even know your boss.

I started thinking about all of the people who I love. There are a lot of people in the world who I have been very close with at some point or another, and have moved away, and now I miss them. It was almost as if each one of those people, and all of the moments we had shared together, had an invisible string that went from them to me, and the more moments we shared, the more strings there were. I keep trying to move forwards, but these strings get heavier and heavier, and before I know it, I am dragging along an entire planet worth of strings and moments. I think if I carry on like this, I will eventually just stop moving, because it will become too difficult. I will stop moving, and then I will turn around and start marvelling at the web I have created. After a while it will become impossible for me to turn my head away, it will be like Narcissus, staring at his own reflection.

I started thinking about my brother, who I haven’t seen in ages, and miss being close to. I went to pick up the phone to tell him that I love him, and then for some reason I decided against it and just sat for a minute and let myself feel the love, and the missing him. Then I started picturing the faces of lots of people that I miss, and did the same thing. All of a sudden the web had become a web of love, that kind of spread out across the world. I realised that I can miss everyone, and I can love everyone, and it isn’t a bad thing. I can get energy from that love. It can drive me forward. When I stop for a second and look behind me, I see this massive spider web of moments that are no longer lost any more. If I can release them in to the past, and let them be what they are, instead of trying to cling on to every single one of them, it is no longer nostalgia. It is a personal legend that you carve out along your way.

I am trying to look back over my past and thank every single one of those moments. And then I am going to let them go. One by one. These moments can survive on their own now.

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2 Comments leave one →
  1. maria permalink
    May 30, 2009 04:31

    your blog is a big “ah ha!” moment. you have earned a spot on my shelf of love.

    • fairybekk permalink*
      June 11, 2009 06:34

      Hi Maria 🙂
      thank you, and welcome!

      -Rebecca

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