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floating in the wind

February 11, 2009

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Sometimes I feel like I have no internal compass at all, and just move because the wind around me is blowing. Last night I went dancing and this time I put up a big wall around myself (because last week the same 5 men followed me around like wolves and I couldn’t dance away from them fast enough). So last night there was a wall, and it worked quite well. And then I noticed that there were lots of couples dancing, and lots of strangers dancing together, and it looked so nice to be connecting with somebody. It occurred to me that by shutting everything out, I was losing some of what I feed on when I dance. Which is interesting, because I always thought I did it for myself.

I thought I did everything for myself.

And I don’t think I do anymore– I think I do most things for validation, or for ego support.

But now, more than ever, I feel like a feather that flew so far and so fast and now the wind is slowing down to a stop.

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Last night, after I’d danced myself into a frenzy, I lay down on the ground and soaked up the earth, and all of a sudden I felt like I was bursting out of a coccoon. I lay on the ground and wriggled free of this old skin, and when I was done, I got up and left without looking back at what I’d left behind.

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