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For dear life

December 3, 2009

Letting go is something I have a really hard time with. From arguments to people to the past to my expectations to the present and everything else, I hold on. For dear life.

About six months ago I was lying in savasana feeling around inside my liver (as one does) and noticed that it was kinda petrified. I thought about what would happen if I got it to let go, and for a brief second it lessened its hold on time. Everything came flying in all at once– the past, present and future all collided in a cacophony of information and underneath it all was this huge feeling of grief.  Grief for the past and grief for the future. Grief because things have to and will change. Grief because things die, and people die, and people move, and things move, and happiness becomes sadness, and love becomes pain. Life is movement, and that movement hurts my heart. My liver holds on to the moment (whatever moment it can grab) while time passes by, to protect me. Isn’t that sweet?

I think that a part of being alive– really truly excruciatingly alive– is to be able to feel things as they are. Joy, fear, sadness, anger– to be able to handle the burden that FEELING puts on you. Or, I guess that’s one of the side effects I notice from the different things that I do: that yoga not only makes me bendy (somewhat) and gives me great back muscles, but it makes my body a stronger vessel. To hold all of the energy that it’s been building, but also to be able to stand in the influx of information and observe and be, without having mind (and liver) freak the fuck out. Not that I’m there yet… liver is still hanging on for dear life. So are my traps, come to think of it.

*sigh*

All is coming, right?

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