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Gathers no moss

February 28, 2010

These are not your typical adventures. These are adventures of a masochistic kind: ones that involve learning lessons and growing up and all kinds of things that aren’t really adventurous at all unless they’re capped off with a fun ski trip which is what I have decided to do since everyone else is in Mysore drinking coconuts and I was getting jealous of all the muscular agony that is there to be grabbed if you just reach for it…

Squaw Valley. Home of the Olympics in 1960, and yet they still tote this as their greatest achievement. Even though the founder of the place said that this would by no means be their greatest achievement, there it is, the Olympic logo, everywhere. It’s even called Olympic Village.

What is it, I wonder, that causes a person to give up. To say “I’ve come far enough now”, and turn around in place, maybe pull over a comfy leather chair, put on a pair of corduroy slippers, grab a glass of brandy and a pipe and spend the rest of his days gazing over what once was. Is it fear that the future will never hold anything as good? Or maybe just the assumption that what is needed has been done. Or maybe just a mental paradigm that isn’t big enough to push any further.

Or maybe it’s none of these things. Maybe an abyss is reached. A gap so wide, and so terrifying that it looks like the end. Yes, that’s it, I think. That’s the real reason. Everybody has their own personal abyss and most people do not have the guts or strength or understanding to leap into it (sword in hand and eyes wide open). In fact I think if you said to somebody “wait, don’t do that– you’re just feeding into your old patterns and pretending that this is what you need…. this is your chance– take it! Push! Leap!” they would look at you like you were completely crazy and tell you that they had no idea what you were talking about (even though there is a big chance that they do).

Then there’s the question of breaking the rules. The natural order of things. Isn’t that what patterns are for anyway? To keep things just so, so that society keeps moving forward and humanity keeps moving forward (To what though? Look forward… what do you see?).

I ramble. As I always do when there’s something uncomfortable to say. Somewhere in there is a thread of truth. Somewhere in there is a story.

Fresh powder and burning quads, and hips so tight that I look like a seal flopping around on the floor during hip opening sequence. I love it here, I think to myself– I could stay here for the entire season and happily sweep the snow of the chairlift as it swings by and say hello to people and get a few runs in at the end of the day and on my days off, and even deal with the tightness and sore back and dryness and cold. That’s it you know, in a nutshell– everything looks so idyllic from afar. Everybody is so nice until you get to know them. All love is great until it becomes real, and all relationships are fun until you actually have to be vulnerable. I used to say that my ideal time to be in any place was four months. Four months is the ideal amount of time where you can have fun

My friend Kelly had a dream the other night– she heard this clamouring neighing horsey voice coming down her chimney and out jumped a black horse with flaming eyes and a flaming mane and a flaming tail. She almost crapped herself but instead decided to run as fast as she could. So she ran and ran, and it stayed on her heels for ages, until it occurred to her that the best thing to do would be to turn and face the beast, lest she die running. So she stopped and turned in place and looked at the creature right in the flaming eyeballs and it too stopped, and got down on one knee and bowed to her. Then it let her climb on it and ride it. She spent the rest of the night riding around the ethers on a flaming horse. A flaming fucking horse. That’s way better than spending ones life running from making connections, don’t you think?

I do.

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3 Comments leave one →
  1. February 28, 2010 13:31

    Ah, newness. Yeah, I think you hit it on the head. That first 4 months is heavenly whether it be a new job, a new relationship, a new car, a new house, or a new puppy. Nothing looks better than something new. But, watch out when the bottom drops out.

    I think you could make millions selling your new prescription for lasting happiness: every 4 months dump the boyfriend/girlfriend, move to a new town, start a new job, and get a new pet. 🙂

    Of course, that will only work if they can keep the blinders on and never notice how the same patterns are also reinvented with each “change”. Damn, so close!

  2. March 3, 2010 06:17

    DAMN, Bekk. This is beautiful.

    Love the horse, love the adventure, love the rueful awareness always in the background.

  3. March 17, 2010 06:24

    in the beginning there was darkness, and lots of darkness comes in between… some get more light than others. the open country is beautiful, but most of us can’t be there. Anne.

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