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When you just don’t want to.

May 10, 2010

I am having a yoga existential crisis.

I just. don’t. want. to.

I don’t know if it’s that I’ve been practicing at home for so long, and that it’s been almost a year since Dominic was last here.

I don’t know if it’s because I have so much going on in my life right now that the thought of taking a 2 hour time out every morning just stressed me out more than anything.

Or I don’t know if I’m just avoiding something. Avoiding something big… like, being ready for something new.

I had a chat with Maria, who reminds me that yoga carries into life outside the mat, and that a little time off, in the grand scheme of things, really isn’t such a bad thing. She too, she says, has taken time off at times. Sometimes it’s WORSE to neglect the stuff going on in your life, like, running to the mat as an escape while the kids go hungry and the roof falls in.

My cat isn’t hungry though. She’s fatter than ever. And the guys have been working on fixing the roof which, as a renter, really isn’t my responsibility anyway.

So then I start thinking about what was happening in my practice before I up and quit on myself.
I had just managed to jump through all on my own, with legs crossed, but with control and strength and no touching the ground.  I had just been able to do supta kurmasana all on my own. I had just started getting to the point where the whole or primary would flow together in one big inhale and exhale and it felt strong and beautiful and I loved the way my body felt. And when Jamie sat on my back in badha konasana, my legs would flop to the sides and my whole body would lay down flat… I mean, this didn’t happen without anyone sitting on me, but since it didn’t hurt with someone sitting on me, I put it down to very springy tendons and carried on.

I’m wondering if its because my motivations have always been suspect. I did yoga to keep sane. I did it to keep fit. I did it because it made my eyes bright and my body feel good. I did it because I notice a change in my energy after doing it, even though I don’t know what. I did it because I was convinced that if I didn’t, then I wouldn’t have as much energy. Not like bounce-around energy (I have too much of that right now) but energy that flows in and out of and around your body type energy. I did it because I wanted to be able to do some cool shit. Like stand on my hands with my legs over my shoulders (check!), or  like handstand and drop my feet down to my forehead (NOT check!). Or to hit the next milestone, whatever that milestone was. Be it jump through, or grasp my hands, or twist deeper. Of course, on looking back, I didn’t know that was why I practiced before. Kinda like you don’t realise that you’ve been daydreaming about making out with Tim Ferris for twenty seconds while you’re ‘supposed to be meditating’ (I put that in inverted commas because I hate any kind of reference to what’s ‘supposed’ to be happening when in meditation… like you’re supposed to just sit there and flick a switch and voila! Samadhi!). So while I was ‘supposed to be practicing’, I was doing all of this other stuff. Like reaching. Greedily. Towards…

Something is happening. All of these areas in my life that are driven by suspect motivation are grinding to a halt. And the things that I do for joy and joy alone are proliferating.

Which leads me to ask myself ‘why am I here’ quite a lot.

Why am I in school? Why do I practice? Why do I do anything, for that matter*.

*Do not fear. I am not sinking into a pit of nihilism. Though if I were it would be ok. *glares at audience*.

4 Comments leave one →
  1. May 12, 2010 12:08

    *Grins back*

    What about just doing practice despite the doubts and the story?

  2. fairybekk permalink*
    May 13, 2010 09:47

    You know… It had been a few days since posting this. And I was getting antsy. doing handstands at 11pm, bouncing off the walls, moody as hell, snapping at everyone. So I’d been thinking about when to start again as it was. And then you wrote that, and it was like I’d been waiting to hear it, for some reason.

    After a couple of sun salutations, my body was more open that it’s ever been. Something must’ve shifted in the last month or so.

    Thanks for the nudge :).

  3. May 13, 2010 17:00

    Soo good! Yes, a shift there.

  4. May 29, 2010 06:55

    yeah, the sweetness of practice is that it is always right there to return to. really right there.

    i’m reading this with impropriety, which is to say, not linearly, as if my eyes are trying to keep warm.

    fairyone, i have a big bell jar, where an eight hour infusion of nettles and oatstraw just rained to the bottom, leaving behind a swell of brilliant green. that was the first thing i learned about herbs, two years ago, and i still adhere to it.

    i would love to know what has been most illuminating to you in your correspondence work with The Rose. and how it feels to be doing it over the wires, rather than in a shared physical space.

    with heart & other green things,

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