When you just don’t want to. Part deux.
At the root of all of this is a deep-seated fear of change. To put it in my new-found Buddhist terminology, my ego is gripping on to its three Lords for life. Or something like that. Another situation where the language can corrupt the meaning, but where the necessity of communication rules.
So lately I’ve noticed the following:
The more this fear of change acts up, the more I sit still and listen to the voice that freezes me in place. For example, I could spend all day at the computer looking at things. I am not proud of this, but this is what happens when you have no TV but an internet connection and you want to just waste time.
Of course I don’t consciously want to waste time. But mind and me, we’re having a bit of a battle right now. Mind is scared of change because it understands that the kind of change I’m pushing for means its complete obliteration. Or at least a new pair of shoes.
But I have got the upper hand, you see, because as much as mind can scare me into sitting still, I am still capable of movement. So when mind tells me not to practice yoga in the morning, because I could injure myself again, because my back hurts, because I am inspired to write, because I have a half-drawn rose that I want to finish, because I want to bake because there’s laundry to do because, well you get the picture. So do you know what I do? I just practice. While mind is freaking out. While it hurts, while my hips are too stiff, while all of these things are happening, I just do it. And about the time I get to marichyasana B, it shuts up. Kind of.